Glenn Beck’s master plan

Glenn_Beck_by_Gage_Skidmore_3copy_2Conservative Republicans have for a long time now been thought of as living – metaphorically – in their own little world. (I doubt I need to give any examples, but just for fun, shall we reflect on Karl Rove’s now-infamous Rejection of Reality and subsequent meltdown on election night 2012, prompting his Fox co-host Megan Kelly to ask – and liberals soon thereafter to tattoo on themselves and mow into their front yards – “Is that just math you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better?”) Glenn Beck, however, in his latest attempt as a Republican to make himself feel better, seems keen on bringing the Republican Reality-Blocking Bubble out of the realm of metaphor and into, ironically, reality (emphasis mine):

Right-wing television host Glenn Beck last week revealed a personal goal that he hopes to achieve: building his very own self-sustaining community that he will name “Independence, USA”.

On “The Glenn Beck Program” last week, the television host said his free market community will ideally produce its own food and entertainment content and live in a city completely cut off from the rest of the world. Beck described his imaginary community as having its own homes, baseball fields, a theme park, small businesses, news, information and technology, and education system.

Independence, USA would remain distant from outside stores and businesses and would therefore have to produce everything for itself. And in order to ensure sustainability, Beck said his community’s members would have to “be able to produce more than they consume.”

Wow, what a novel idea! Xanadu! Utopia! Actually, I think the word I’m looking for is…commune. Yeah, I think I might have heard this idea somewhere before. And it never ends well.

But okay, what the hell, you guys have been trying for a while to find a way to keep out the liberals and, you know, intellectuals – what you might call the “normals” – and hey, it looks like you’ve found it! Nothing can stop you now…right?

But the conservative network producer and media personality admitted he has a fear of cows and no knowledge on how to grow his own food. Residents in Independence, USA would therefore be required to learn how to produce their own food, as well as start their own businesses.

Ah, damn. So close. A swing and a miss. Man, you guys get so close to your conservative independent self-reliant nirvana, and Glenn Beck turns out to be afraid of cows. What shit luck.

“There’s not going to be a Gap here. There’s no Ann Taylor. You want Ann Taylor, go someplace else,” Beck said, referring to his imaginary community’s lack of popular clothing stores.

It’s about time someone outed that damn Ann Taylor, and her trend-worshipping money-burning debt-hungry fashionistas. They should go back to where they came from! Thank god for Glenn Beck, and down with capitalism!

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2 comments
  1. Big Chairs said:

    I think while Glenn is at it he should create another political party just for Glenn Beck. He has proven more then once that he is a “whack job”

  2. kipp said:

    I wholeheartedly agree, and he should take the rest of the crazies with him. If the Republican party was relieved of its fringe-ier element, I might be able to actually get behind it.

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